Sunday, January 29, 2012

This Fix I Don't Want Fixed

I can't be sure of which gateway drug started it all (was it Seinfeld, or did this "dependence" originate much earlier with, say, Thundercats or those brief moments of Falcon Crest I'd catch before falling asleep?). 

Did The X-Files merely fan an already-established flame, or was it like that guy who fell over onto the detonator in The Bridge on the River Kwai? 

Whatever the case, I show no signs of improvement, and can't imagine a day when I'll even want to improve.  Don't talk to me about Intervention either; that's one I actually don't care for.  Still, I'm hooked, as they say, and there could always be another Lost just around the corner.  Even if there wasn't, though, I'd still have Law & Order streaming its bad self on Netflix, and BSG and MST3K and Sherlock, which I haven't seen much of yet, but...  Anyway, the high is too good, man.  And 'winter is coming,' right?  It's always coming.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm addicted to books, too, by the way, so get down off your high horse and let's watch Downton Abbey.  Finedon't, then.  More tea for me.

Friday, January 6, 2012

For the Sake of Argument

The Southeast Review's Writing Regimen provided this as one of their daily writing prompts:

Ron Carlson, the award-winning writer and teacher who currently directs the Creative Writing Program at UCI--Irvine, calls the props and items in a story, essay or narrative poem "inventory." When students in his classrooms complain of writer's block, he suggests frontloading the story with inventory and then carrying those items through the story to help reveal character and generate or resolve conflict. Today, write a story, essay, or poem that incorporates all of the following inventory items, and surprise yourself with the connections that result: hypocrite, cookie jar, telephone, hurricane.

The following is what I came up with while trying to be serious:

For the Sake of Argument

HYPOCRITE:  Look, if I'm gonna talk about something, I'm gonna be specific.

COOKIE JAR:  Let's discuss how I'm nothing without cookies in me.

TELEPHONE:  At least you're not shrinking.

HURRICANE:  Or destructive by nature.

COOKIE JAR:  But people always feel around inside me, even when there's nothing in me.  And when they don't feel around inside me, I feel neglected.  I'm like, Hello!

TELEPHONE:  'Hello'?  Really, Cookie Jar -- you're mocking me now?

COOKIE JAR:  You're the one with the tone.  :p

HURRICANE:  I'm always on the news, but people rarely talk about how nice I can my eye.

TELEPHONE:  Too easy, Cookie Jar.  Next you'll "push my buttons," I suppose.

HURRICANE:  Nobody even heard what I just said.  I can tear the roof off your house but still be ignored.

HYPOCRITE:  'Ignored'?  Listen, Eeyore, I haven't made a peep since the beginning, and nobody's even asked me how I am this morning.

COOKIE JAR:  Hey, let's all be sarcastic and hip.  :))

HURRICANE:  Hip's not in today.

COOKIE JAR:  Why not?

HURRICANE:  He didn't have a leg to stand on.

HYPOCRITE:  Oh, Jesus.

JESUS:  Yes?

HYPOCRITE:  Jesus! -- where'd you come from?

JESUS:  It's hard to explain, but basically I'm everywhere.  At least that's what they tell me.

THEY:  We never said that.  We don't say any of the things they say we say.  Wait--

COOKIE JAR:  I'm shaped like a cat and I'm fine with it.  See, guys?  Sarcasm.  :(

HYPOCRITE:  We're kind of off-topic now, don't you think?  And yet we keep going and going and going and going.  Not that what we're doing now isn't just "wonderful."

COOKIE JAR:  Yes! -- that's exactly what I was going for, Hypocrite.  LOL.

THEY:  You didn't actually laugh, you know.  You do know that, don't you.

HIP:  Sup, guys.

TELEPHONE:  Whoa, what are those?

HIP:  They're legs.  Duh.  Without them I wouldn't have a -- well, I wouldn't be here.  In all my glory or whatever.

HURRICANE:  I just hurt.

JESUS:  I can fix that, but first you have to ask me into your heart...and sign this waiver.

COOKIE JAR:  Sometimes I feel empty inside.  LOL.

TELEPHONE:  People use me.

HIP:  Man, it's dead up in here.

SKELETON:  Man, that's my line...

MAN:  You guys hear that?  Those two weren't even addressing me.  I feel you, They.

THEY:  Yeah, they blame us for everything.  I mean -- dammit!

HIP:  All right, so I'm pretty much outie 5,000 now.  Giddyup, Legs.

LEGS:  Sure, okay.  Because we live to serve.  Love, we mean.  We "love" to serve.

COOKIE JAR:  Yay!:) !

HYPOCRITE:  Oh, face it, you all just wanna have the last word.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Buddy (the Dog) and Morgan (the Cat) Discuss Politics

BUDDY:  I think I saw them.
MORGAN:  I see them too: An orange-ish dog and cat, right?
BUDDY:  Let's be really still for a second so they think we don't want in.
MORGAN:  I dunno; I should probably go whine somewhere or something.
BUDDY:  We totally don't even care, guys!  It's great out here!  A little cold never hurt anybody!
MORGAN:  Whoa, what was all that?
BUDDY:  Acting.
MORGAN:  Wow....  I mean, I believed you.  I actually thought you wanted to be out here.
BUDDY:  Thanks.  But stay in character, okay?
MORGAN:  What?  Ooh, I think I just saw something.
BUDDY:  I think they want us to think we saw something.
MORGAN:  What?
BUDDY:  I was only kidding, guys.  It's cold.  And I drink water out of a bowl.  The hay I sleep on smells like a dog.
MORGAN:  You're good at acting.
BUDDY:  I'm not acting now -- I honestly wanna be in there.  
MORGAN:  Man, you are really good at acting.
BUDDY:  Seriously, guys, it's not funny anymore.  I'm beginning to think that my life won't really begin until I'm in there with you, where the treats live.  It's all I think about, and it's not healthy.  I'd eat some grass if there was any left.  I coughed a while ago, you know.  I think being out here gives me malaria.
MORGAN:  You're using a very lot of words.  Is this politics?
BUDDY:  No.  I don't even have a podium.
MORGAN:  I'm starting to get a cramp everywhere.
BUDDY:  Oh, go ahead and move then.  They're not listening, anyway.
MORGAN:  Will we remember this forever?
BUDDY:  Remember what?  Hey! -- my toy over there in the yard...