Monday, November 26, 2007

Back when dwarf tossing was legal, I had this mischievous friend named Henry who was what you might now call “a little person.” But, even though I considered him a pretty close friend, I never really felt that I could trust him as far as I could throw him.
We’ve all heard a version of this old saying: “Red sky at morning, sailor take warning; red sky at night, sailor’s delight.” The part you probably haven’t heard is that, when there’s a red sky in the afternoon, the sailor gets mauled by a giant clam.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Failed Superheroes



Bull Snake Man


Pros:

He can bite and even cause a little bleeding.

He's pretty good at slithering.


Cons:

Unlike the regal Captain Rattlesnake, he is non-venomous.

When it’s cool outside, he must lie on a flat rock in the sun for half a day to reach full power.

He cannot fight crime on overcast days that are cold.

He is best remembered for having slithered away like a little girl snake after seeing Hawkman at a gallery opening.

He suffers from chronic depression and Captain Rattlesnake envy.

Villains often subdue him by simply applying an ice pack.



Princess Goo


Pros:

She can capture villains in her viscous mass and totally ruin their outfits.

Even though her “body” is constantly collecting dirt, gum, cigarette butts and stray hairs, she still has a pretty face; and that’s more than you can say about Muskrat Girl.


Cons:

She is not really a 'princess.'

Did you hear the part about the goo?

Her favorite movie is “The Wedding Planner.”



Claw-Hand Guy


Pros:

Villains are often frightened by his claw hand.

He's very upbeat about the whole claw-hand thing.


Cons:

Aside from the fear his claw hand inspires, he has no other powers except for the occasionally profound one-liner.

In the heat of battle he often wounds himself.

People sometimes mistake him for his evil nemesis, Hook-Hand Harry.

His positive attitude has been known to estrange him from Bull Snake Man and Princess Goo.

He has a tendency to get snagged on things.



Amazing Boy


Pros:

He is only five years old, but reading at the 1st-Grade level.

He has the power to confound villains just by shouting “No!” over and over, and stomping his feet.

He doesn’t have Rickets.


Cons:

His parents make him go to bed at 8:00.

Many of the worst villains don’t even start acting villainous until 8:30 or later.

One time, when he was in the middle of a life-or-death battle with Boar Face III, his mother made him come in for supper. As if this wasn’t bad enough, she then asked him—in front of everyone!—if he’d like to invite his little friend over to stay the night.



The Windy City Hero


Pros:

He is twice as strong as the average man.

In extremely windy conditions, he can fly.


Cons:

When I said ‘average man,’ I meant: your average underweight jockey.

His “flying” is mostly just him running and flapping his arms.



Politico


Pros:

His waving can set off a sonic boom, and many evildoers find sonic booms to be irritating.


Cons:

A handful of evildoers are actually drawn to sonic booms: The Loud Noise Marauder, for one.

He may or may not have had sexual relations with an American flag.

His favorite movie is "The Wedding Planner."