Friday, December 7, 2007

First Snow

I just watched a movie called "First Snow," and now I'm thinking some things:

1. Why did the movie end like that and make me mad?

2. If you want a scene to be a so-called "good-lookin' scene," put Piper Perabo in it and just see what happens.

3. I wish they had shown more of the "Snow."

4. Did I like the movie or did I not like the movie?

5. I'm thirsty.

6. Am I? Could I possibly—? Yep, I'm in love with Piper Perabo.

None of this means that I'm recommending the movie, though I wouldn't not recommend it, especially to people who like only a little snow and Piper Perabo and movies with endings that make me mad. It's a bit slow, in parts, but in an interesting way, and it develops a subtle, creepy suspense that's very effective and causes you to get all worried that something might actually happen to Piper Perabo (her character, I mean, but somehow that's just as bad...or good, if worry's what you're looking to feel). And then, later, you begin to wish they'd show more snow, and maybe five or ten (perhaps a hundred?) more good-lookin' scenes, maybe with a light snow swirling in the background. And when it ends (when you're a little upset about how it ended—even if that ending's necessary—and you turn off the TV and sit quietly for a while, staring blankly into the darkness, looking back over your life and wondering, How can I make Piper Perabo mine?), you get real thirsty for pretty much any kind of juice. Sound good? Well, then I guess you might wanna rent it.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A Probing Account

As the young alien inserted yet another anal probe, he thought, What in the holy name of Halleroth are we doing with our lives? He then asked the other aliens around him, “Why do we always probe their anuses? I mean, seriously, what are we hoping to learn?”

“It’s just what we do,” the head alien told him. “It’s what we’ve always done.”

“He’s right, Glork,” said another. “It’s our calling. And we do find some pretty cool stuff sometimes, eh?”

All of the aliens, except for the young one, chuckled heartily at this and then traded remarks like: “Yeah, we sure do,” and “Boy, that’s no lie,” and “Remember that TV remote?” Then they all looked at each other and started chuckling again.

“So this,” the young alien wondered, “is all I have to look forward to, for as long as I live? Probing human anuses?”

“Well,” the head alien said, “don’t forget all the cows.”

Again there was laughter, and two of the other aliens began to “moo” along with it, until the young alien shouted, “Enough!”

“Hey—easy there, Glork,” the head alien said, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s just a little friendly fun we’re having here. It’s not at anyone’s expense.”

The young alien shook his head gloomily and said, “I bet this man would say different if he suddenly woke up.”

“They never wake up,” squeaked the smallest alien.

“Yeah? What about that guy from Reno?”

“Ah, that was a fluke, and you know it.”

“Fluke or not, he woke up, and he screamed his head off. That screaming has haunted my sleep-state.”

“We’re all haunted by something,” the head alien said, “but we do the job; we always do the job, because it’s what we’ve done for as long as we’ve known about humans and cows…and their anuses.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Glork said. “It’s just that sometimes I want something more from life. You know? Something that doesn’t even have an anus. Something where, when I see it, I won’t automatically be thinking, Man, I so have to probe that.”

“We’ve all felt the same at one time or another. But remember: With every new anus, there comes the hope of something cool inside.”

“That TV remote,” one of the other aliens laughingly repeated.

The head alien grinned at the young alien and said, “You’re gonna be all right, Glork.”

Soon the rest of the aliens offered their encouragement with: “Yeah, you sure are, buddy,” and “We’ll help you through the rough patches,” and “Anuses are never half empty; they’re always half full.”

After a minute or two of such comments, the head alien said, “Now, what do you say we get back to probing this man’s anus.”

“Okay,” Glork said, forcing a little smile. And, in actuality, the probing did go fairly well. For a little while there, Glork began to feel as if maybe anuses were always half full.

But then the smallest alien made a fart sound, and the other aliens all started chuckling again.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Back when dwarf tossing was legal, I had this mischievous friend named Henry who was what you might now call “a little person.” But, even though I considered him a pretty close friend, I never really felt that I could trust him as far as I could throw him.
We’ve all heard a version of this old saying: “Red sky at morning, sailor take warning; red sky at night, sailor’s delight.” The part you probably haven’t heard is that, when there’s a red sky in the afternoon, the sailor gets mauled by a giant clam.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Failed Superheroes

Bull Snake Man


He can bite and even cause a little bleeding.

He's pretty good at slithering.


Unlike the regal Captain Rattlesnake, he is non-venomous.

When it’s cool outside, he must lie on a flat rock in the sun for half a day to reach full power.

He cannot fight crime on overcast days that are cold.

He is best remembered for having slithered away like a little girl snake after seeing Hawkman at a gallery opening.

He suffers from chronic depression and Captain Rattlesnake envy.

Villains often subdue him by simply applying an ice pack.

Princess Goo


She can capture villains in her viscous mass and totally ruin their outfits.

Even though her “body” is constantly collecting dirt, gum, cigarette butts and stray hairs, she still has a pretty face; and that’s more than you can say about Muskrat Girl.


She is not really a 'princess.'

Did you hear the part about the goo?

Her favorite movie is “The Wedding Planner.”

Claw-Hand Guy


Villains are often frightened by his claw hand.

He's very upbeat about the whole claw-hand thing.


Aside from the fear his claw hand inspires, he has no other powers except for the occasionally profound one-liner.

In the heat of battle he often wounds himself.

People sometimes mistake him for his evil nemesis, Hook-Hand Harry.

His positive attitude has been known to estrange him from Bull Snake Man and Princess Goo.

He has a tendency to get snagged on things.

Amazing Boy


He is only five years old, but reading at the 1st-Grade level.

He has the power to confound villains just by shouting “No!” over and over, and stomping his feet.

He doesn’t have Rickets.


His parents make him go to bed at 8:00.

Many of the worst villains don’t even start acting villainous until 8:30 or later.

One time, when he was in the middle of a life-or-death battle with Boar Face III, his mother made him come in for supper. As if this wasn’t bad enough, she then asked him—in front of everyone!—if he’d like to invite his little friend over to stay the night.

The Windy City Hero


He is twice as strong as the average man.

In extremely windy conditions, he can fly.


When I said ‘average man,’ I meant: your average underweight jockey.

His “flying” is mostly just him running and flapping his arms.



His waving can set off a sonic boom, and many evildoers find sonic booms to be irritating.


A handful of evildoers are actually drawn to sonic booms: The Loud Noise Marauder, for one.

He may or may not have had sexual relations with an American flag.

His favorite movie is "The Wedding Planner."