Thursday, May 21, 2015

Marco Rubio: Science Denier, Asshole, Etc.

I can see him sitting on a heavy, braided hearthrug in front of a fireplace, tongue hanging out, a goofy "wanting-to-please-them" grin on his face, as the Koch brothers take turns patting him on the head and saying "Good boy.  That's a good, good boy."

SIGN HERE to tell Rubio and other climate deniers to basically stop being stupid.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Like Ducks? Like Soup? Like Soup Made Out Of Ducks?

A Fresh and Savory Duck Soup

  1. 1 really fresh duck
  2. 1-2 cups duck powder 
  3. 1 stick unsalted butter
  4. 1 cup salt
  5. 1 box of great red wine
  6. ½ cup dried summer savory

Select a really fresh duck from your supermarket.  If you don’t live near a supermarket, or you can’t for some reason drive to a supermarket (or you're wondering right now “what means ‘supermarket’?”), you might consider ordering a duck from or any other fine duck-meat website.  If you don’t have access to the Internet, you could always purchase a live duckling and raise it to maturity on your own, to ensure its absolute freshness.  Never allow yourself to name the duckling, however, as growing at all attached to “Quackers” or “Mr. Waddles” tends to make things difficult for your children later on.  If none of these duck options works for you, just go ahead and substitute a really fresh store-bought chicken for the duck.  If you have the same problem getting a chicken that you had trying to get a duck, then I don’t know what to tell you.  Maybe use rabbit meat.
Keep this in mind when selecting your duck: It should feel heavy for its size.  The best way I’ve found to calculate this is to gather a bunch of ducks of a similar size and then pick the heaviest one.  If you instruct your children to make two of these ducks “notice each other from across a crowded room” and then “strike up an amazing conversation” and, later, begin to “kiss”—well, it’s actually pretty funny.  

NOTE: Remember that a really fresh duck should not smell “like butt,” as my daughter so eloquently pointed out.  It should smell like the ocean.  No, never mind, that’s fish.   

After you’ve brought home what should be the perfectly-fresh duck or chicken (or maybe you’ve just ordered a pizza by now; I don’t know), rinse the [duck] thoroughly under cold water.  You see, some of that freshness, when left on a duck too long, can actually make your soup “obvious,” in the end.  And no self-respecting duck soup should scream, “Duck!”  It should be unassumingly delicate, as if saying calmly: “Mmm, this couldn’t be…  Is it...?  No, there’s no way this is…”  And you never know it’s duck, is the point. 

After you’ve washed the duck, boil it for approximately one hour.  If you’re using a duck that you yourself raised to maturity, I’ve found that this is a good time for everyone to gather around and say, “We’re sorry.”  A slide show featuring pictures of your family having fun with the duck goes over pretty well here, too.  There won’t be a dry eye in the place.

When the hour of boiling is up, reduce the heat to low, take out the duck and rest it gently on a sheet pan (‘gently’ because, if you dent that pan, your wife won’t let you go away for the weekend to “play golf” anymore).  After the duck has cooled enough to handle, pat it dry with paper towels and then rub a liberal amount of *duck powder into the skin, to replace the natural duck flavor absorbed by the water during the boil.  Really rub it in there.  Have fun with it.  But don’t get carried away, because your children—even though they said they were going out to the swing-set—are actually watching you from the hall. 

After the rub-down, bake your duck-powdered duck in a preheated 450-degree oven for half an hour or so, periodically massaging it with the stick of butter until the duck (you shouldn’t be calling it Quackers anymore, I hope you know) is a nice golden-brown.  Remove the duck from the oven and cut—or tear—its meat into small chunks: pieces no larger than half of a chicken nugget.  (If, from the beginning, you’ve been using a chicken instead of a duck, just throw out your chicken now, microwave twenty or so chicken nuggets and cut them all in half.)  Finally, take whichever kind of meat you’re using and add it to the broth you’ve made.  Bring to a simmer, add the remaining ingredients and stir well before serving. 

If your guests do not think it’s the best soup they have ever tasted, it isn’t exactly unreasonable to ask yourself: “Are these people truly my ‘family’?”  Ask them, too, while you’re at it.  And if they can tell you, without a doubt, that they are indeed your wife and kids and in-laws, and that your soup is not the best soup ever made, then there’s a chance you’ve done something wrong.  Repeat the process from the beginning, but this time, instead of using the duck broth as your base, use maybe a gallon of beef stock.      

* I honestly don’t remember what “duck powder” even is.  Maybe just add more salt?

Monday, March 30, 2015

From Hair to Infinity

Hey, people of blogger...and the world. 

I wrote an episode of the weird and funny and funny and weird web series called Space Hospital.  And here it is, for you to watch and enjoy, because it's pretty enjoyable.  

It has a suck-bot in it, by the way, and also some sex and romance and hair.  Yeah, I said it: hair.  

I know hair is everywhere, okay?  I know that.  But hair's never been like this, okay?  This is really special hair.  Don't worry -- I haven't explained all of the story quite yet.  Just watch and see what I mean.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Two Guys Just Sitting around Watching Frozen

What happens when two straight guys sit around watching Frozen?  

I talk about that a little bit in here (and by 'here' I gotta follow the link that I linked with the word here, back there).

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Resolution in Florida

South Miami is sick and tired of politicians not acting to address climate change (you know, because the southern parts of Florida are already pretty close to being drowned by the ocean), and they wanna become "South Florida," the 51st state in the union -- and a state that will actually recognize there's a problem and that wankers like Marco Rubio and Rick Scott evidently don't give a shit about it or them.

Read more here:

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

All Hallow's Read

Do you know about All Hallow's Read?  That tradition Neil Gaiman sometimes talks about.  Well, if you don't know about it, maybe you should.  Maybe you should know about it.  

Here's a link to a not-at-all-creepy article I did about it, if you wanna know more about it.  Which you should...

Also, please feel free to enjoy this kinda spooky but mostly just weird picture:

Friday, September 5, 2014

David Alan Mack and I Talk about Diversity in Storytelling

You can find all that and more at the following link.  Don't worry, it won't take you to a penis-pump site or anything.  Promise.  Here's a picture of Superman to prove I'm not lying.  Superman, as you know, never lies.