Friday, May 16, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
The Story of the Signs and the Buckets
Early this afternoon, as I was driving away from the movie theater and not at all trying to forget Sarah Marshall, I was accosted by a gang of lowland Baptists in pastel T-shirts and matching shorts, some of them holding up signs and others holding up green plastic buckets. Buckets of what? I wondered. Pig entrails, maybe? Some form of protoplasmic goo? A glance at one of their signs told me they were seeking donations for some sort of "Baptist Youth" shindig, and I became frightened.
The stoplight was red, and my heart started pounding as they swarmed around my car like angry--or at least overeager--hornets. Will I ever see home again? I wondered. Will I be forced to tell them that I have no money, even though I do have money? Could I run over one of them and somehow get away with it?
Suddenly, one of their guys held a bucket up to my window as one of their girls--on the opposite side of my car--held up a sign, and they both began to speak. I couldn't really make out what they said, however, because my windows were closed and also because I was chanting loudly to myself, "Everything's gonna be fine, Jason; just don't look into their eyes."
I thought of something I might drop into the bucket, but it had nothing to do with money. I looked from the sign to the bucket and back, as if I were confused, and then, to my great relief, the stoplight turned green, and I sped off toward the roaring safety of the highway.
I glanced back and saw that the small red car behind me had been surrounded and wasn't moving anymore. I heard a few plaintive honks, and then nothing (there were signs and buckets everywhere). I knew then that whoever had been driving that red car was dead...or at least short a few bucks.
"Goodbye, poor soul," I said, and then I hurried home to finish what was left of the Panera sandwich I'd put in the fridge yesterday.
The stoplight was red, and my heart started pounding as they swarmed around my car like angry--or at least overeager--hornets. Will I ever see home again? I wondered. Will I be forced to tell them that I have no money, even though I do have money? Could I run over one of them and somehow get away with it?
Suddenly, one of their guys held a bucket up to my window as one of their girls--on the opposite side of my car--held up a sign, and they both began to speak. I couldn't really make out what they said, however, because my windows were closed and also because I was chanting loudly to myself, "Everything's gonna be fine, Jason; just don't look into their eyes."
I thought of something I might drop into the bucket, but it had nothing to do with money. I looked from the sign to the bucket and back, as if I were confused, and then, to my great relief, the stoplight turned green, and I sped off toward the roaring safety of the highway.
I glanced back and saw that the small red car behind me had been surrounded and wasn't moving anymore. I heard a few plaintive honks, and then nothing (there were signs and buckets everywhere). I knew then that whoever had been driving that red car was dead...or at least short a few bucks.
"Goodbye, poor soul," I said, and then I hurried home to finish what was left of the Panera sandwich I'd put in the fridge yesterday.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Two Movies You Might Not Have Seen That You Probably Should See, Because Seeing Is Believing
1. "Gone Baby Gone": This marked Ben Affleck's directorial debut, and, as far as I could tell, he got everything right.
2. "The Brave One": It's like Death Wish, only with Jodie Foster and a bit more depth. I'm not knocking Death Wish; Death Wish rocked; but this film seemed more fulfilling, and a few times I found it veering in directions I just didn't expect (which was nice). Also, Terrence Howard is always good.
2. "The Brave One": It's like Death Wish, only with Jodie Foster and a bit more depth. I'm not knocking Death Wish; Death Wish rocked; but this film seemed more fulfilling, and a few times I found it veering in directions I just didn't expect (which was nice). Also, Terrence Howard is always good.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Things that Might be Mistaken for "Figgy Pudding" when Overheard from a Distance at a Christmas Party
Iggy Pop
Silly Putty
Ziggy
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Silly Putty
Ziggy
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
O. J. Simpson's Favorite Drinking Games, in His Own Words
I’m gonna throw this knife up in the air and whoever it lands in has to drink.
If I can barely fit into these gloves and still kill someone, then I have to drink.
All the good-lookin’ blonde women have to drink until I say stop.
No drinking this time; I’m just gonna stab someone.
If I can barely fit into these gloves and still kill someone, then I have to drink.
All the good-lookin’ blonde women have to drink until I say stop.
No drinking this time; I’m just gonna stab someone.
Friday, December 7, 2007
First Snow
I just watched a movie called "First Snow," and now I'm thinking some things:
1. Why did the movie end like that and make me mad?
2. If you want a scene to be a so-called "good-lookin' scene," put Piper Perabo in it and just see what happens.
3. I wish they had shown more of the "Snow."
4. Did I like the movie or did I not like the movie?
5. I'm thirsty.
None of this means that I'm recommending the movie, though I wouldn't not recommend it, especially to people who like only a little snow and Piper Perabo and movies with endings that make me mad. It's a bit slow, in parts, but in an interesting way, and it develops a subtle, creepy suspense that's very effective and causes you to get all worried that something might actually happen to Piper Perabo (her character, I mean, but somehow that's just as bad...or good, if worry's what you're looking to feel). And then, later, you begin to wish they'd show more snow, and maybe five or ten (perhaps a hundred?) more good-lookin' scenes, maybe with a light snow swirling in the background. And when it ends (when you're a little upset about how it ended—even if that ending's necessary—and you turn off the TV and sit quietly for a while, staring blankly into the darkness, looking back over your life and wondering, How can I make Piper Perabo mine?), you get real thirsty for pretty much any kind of juice. Sound good? Well, then I guess you might wanna rent it.
1. Why did the movie end like that and make me mad?
2. If you want a scene to be a so-called "good-lookin' scene," put Piper Perabo in it and just see what happens.
3. I wish they had shown more of the "Snow."
4. Did I like the movie or did I not like the movie?
5. I'm thirsty.
6. Am I? Could I possibly—? Yep, I'm in love with Piper
Perabo.
None of this means that I'm recommending the movie, though I wouldn't not recommend it, especially to people who like only a little snow and Piper Perabo and movies with endings that make me mad. It's a bit slow, in parts, but in an interesting way, and it develops a subtle, creepy suspense that's very effective and causes you to get all worried that something might actually happen to Piper Perabo (her character, I mean, but somehow that's just as bad...or good, if worry's what you're looking to feel). And then, later, you begin to wish they'd show more snow, and maybe five or ten (perhaps a hundred?) more good-lookin' scenes, maybe with a light snow swirling in the background. And when it ends (when you're a little upset about how it ended—even if that ending's necessary—and you turn off the TV and sit quietly for a while, staring blankly into the darkness, looking back over your life and wondering, How can I make Piper Perabo mine?), you get real thirsty for pretty much any kind of juice. Sound good? Well, then I guess you might wanna rent it.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
A Probing Account
As the young alien inserted yet another anal probe, he thought, What in the holy name of Halleroth are we doing with our lives? He then asked the other aliens around him, “Why do we always probe their anuses? I mean, seriously, what are we hoping to learn?”
“It’s just what we do,” the head alien told him. “It’s what we’ve always done.”
“He’s right, Glork,” said another. “It’s our calling. And we do find some pretty cool stuff sometimes, eh?”
All of the aliens, except for the young one, chuckled heartily at this and then traded remarks like: “Yeah, we sure do,” and “Boy, that’s no lie,” and “Remember that TV remote?” Then they all looked at each other and started chuckling again.
“So this,” the young alien wondered, “is all I have to look forward to, for as long as I live? Probing human anuses?”
“Well,” the head alien said, “don’t forget all the cows.”
Again there was laughter, and two of the other aliens began to “moo” along with it, until the young alien shouted, “Enough!”
“Hey—easy there, Glork,” the head alien said, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s just a little friendly fun we’re having here. It’s not at anyone’s expense.”
The young alien shook his head gloomily and said, “I bet this man would say different if he suddenly woke up.”
“They never wake up,” squeaked the smallest alien.
“Yeah? What about that guy from Reno?”
“Ah, that was a fluke, and you know it.”
“Fluke or not, he woke up, and he screamed his head off. That screaming has haunted my sleep-state.”
“We’re all haunted by something,” the head alien said, “but we do the job; we always do the job, because it’s what we’ve done for as long as we’ve known about humans and cows…and their anuses.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Glork said. “It’s just that sometimes I want something more from life. You know? Something that doesn’t even have an anus. Something where, when I see it, I won’t automatically be thinking, Man, I so have to probe that.”
“We’ve all felt the same at one time or another. But remember: With every new anus, there comes the hope of something cool inside.”
“That TV remote,” one of the other aliens laughingly repeated.
The head alien grinned at the young alien and said, “You’re gonna be all right, Glork.”
Soon the rest of the aliens offered their encouragement with: “Yeah, you sure are, buddy,” and “We’ll help you through the rough patches,” and “Anuses are never half empty; they’re always half full.”
After a minute or two of such comments, the head alien said, “Now, what do you say we get back to probing this man’s anus.”
“Okay,” Glork said, forcing a little smile. And, in actuality, the probing did go fairly well. For a little while there, Glork began to feel as if maybe anuses were always half full.
But then the smallest alien made a fart sound, and the other aliens all started chuckling again.
“It’s just what we do,” the head alien told him. “It’s what we’ve always done.”
“He’s right, Glork,” said another. “It’s our calling. And we do find some pretty cool stuff sometimes, eh?”
All of the aliens, except for the young one, chuckled heartily at this and then traded remarks like: “Yeah, we sure do,” and “Boy, that’s no lie,” and “Remember that TV remote?” Then they all looked at each other and started chuckling again.
“So this,” the young alien wondered, “is all I have to look forward to, for as long as I live? Probing human anuses?”
“Well,” the head alien said, “don’t forget all the cows.”
Again there was laughter, and two of the other aliens began to “moo” along with it, until the young alien shouted, “Enough!”
“Hey—easy there, Glork,” the head alien said, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s just a little friendly fun we’re having here. It’s not at anyone’s expense.”
The young alien shook his head gloomily and said, “I bet this man would say different if he suddenly woke up.”
“They never wake up,” squeaked the smallest alien.
“Yeah? What about that guy from Reno?”
“Ah, that was a fluke, and you know it.”
“Fluke or not, he woke up, and he screamed his head off. That screaming has haunted my sleep-state.”
“We’re all haunted by something,” the head alien said, “but we do the job; we always do the job, because it’s what we’ve done for as long as we’ve known about humans and cows…and their anuses.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Glork said. “It’s just that sometimes I want something more from life. You know? Something that doesn’t even have an anus. Something where, when I see it, I won’t automatically be thinking, Man, I so have to probe that.”
“We’ve all felt the same at one time or another. But remember: With every new anus, there comes the hope of something cool inside.”
“That TV remote,” one of the other aliens laughingly repeated.
The head alien grinned at the young alien and said, “You’re gonna be all right, Glork.”
Soon the rest of the aliens offered their encouragement with: “Yeah, you sure are, buddy,” and “We’ll help you through the rough patches,” and “Anuses are never half empty; they’re always half full.”
After a minute or two of such comments, the head alien said, “Now, what do you say we get back to probing this man’s anus.”
“Okay,” Glork said, forcing a little smile. And, in actuality, the probing did go fairly well. For a little while there, Glork began to feel as if maybe anuses were always half full.
But then the smallest alien made a fart sound, and the other aliens all started chuckling again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)